Before We Begin
Field Note #000
A personal introduction to who I am and the journey this newsletter will explore: life, growth, and masculinity
On Being Me
Hello, I am Trevor. At the time of writing this, I am a 32-year-old man with curly, thinning blonde hair, pale skin that burns easily, and the kind of face past lovers have called “unconventionally attractive.” All I ever heard was: “ugly, but I don’t want to hurt your feelings.”
Needless to say, confidence has been an ongoing battle.
A brief anecdote:
Once upon a time in the city of Montreal, there was a single twenty-two year old version of myself, out for a night on the town with his boys.
On this particular evening, I had pulled out all the stops: a dark green Minecraft T-shirt, a pair of American Eagle denim, and some scuffed-up Converse.
At some point in the night, I headed to the bar for a plastic cup filled with the cheapest beer they had. On the way back to our table, a cute girl appeared out of the crowd, looked me in the eyes, and told me how much she liked my Minecraft shirt.
So I whipped out my iPhone 3GS, showed her the website where she could buy one, probably advised her on the size she should get, said goodbye, and headed back to where my friends were sitting.
When I tell you that it took years—Y E A R S—to realise she might have been interested in me, I mean years. I outgrew Minecraft long before I looked back on that interaction with even the slightest inkling.
The default for the majority of my life has been: “why would anyone be into me?”
Why Write at All?
I grew up lucky. My parents always made sure there was bread on the table, a roof over my head, and a warm bed to sleep in. They paid for my education and loved me, even if we did not always communicate well. I am deeply aware that being born into a first-world country with love and support, I have always had a horseshoe up my ass.
And yet—I struggled. With school. With mental health issues and insecurities. With a consistently blurry personal identity. This seeped into my friendships and relationships, which I did not have the tools to fix, leading to isolation and rejection.
During a particularly difficult period in life, I began to quietly collect notes—revelations jotted down in hard moments, half-baked insights, the result of late-night conversations with people far wiser than me—intended as reminders for my future self.
I can confidently say that, while I have a long road ahead, what I have learned so far has brought me a great deal of peace.
I wish I could go back in time and give my younger self the advice he needed to skip the villain arc, to avoid recklessly hurting himself and others with his unruly emotions. I, of course, cannot—not that he would even listen—but I can still share what I have learned with others, in the hope that some of it resonates.
Which brings us to Substack. I have been a reader for a while now and enjoy the format—simple as that.
My Approach
In full honesty, I am not entirely sure what I am doing just yet. This is the first serious writing project of my life, and I am going to go with my gut. I will simply write what feels natural and listen to any feedback I am fortunate enough to receive.
My next post will dive into cultivating a mindset that invites personal growth—learning to use your emotional landscape—the colours of your feelings and sense of peace—as a compass to navigate the dense, dark forest of life and manhood.
Beyond that, I will try to isolate topics as much as possible so that we can ideally have natural conversations about specific ideas. I believe this is the best way forward: digging deep into individual topics and seeing what comes up naturally in the process.
If you do decide to join me in this, I would be absolutely honoured. If there is any traction or interest, I will set up a Discord server to facilitate real-time conversations and life advice as much as possible.
In terms of frequency, I will aim to post at least once every two weeks. A friend of mine is also writing a Substack, and we have decided to hold each other accountable to staying consistent.
I do work in a startup and can be quite bogged down by it at times, but if you have emailed me or I have not replied to something, feel free to ping me again—and I apologise in advance for any delays in communication.
I guess that is it, hope you have a lovely day and I will be back soon with the next one.